how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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