I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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