I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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