Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
