She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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