I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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