the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
