I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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