Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
