Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
He passed out mid-signature
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
