and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
