Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
