This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
