just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
