Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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