well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
