if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
