hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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