i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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