White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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