so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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