So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
