i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Someone came in the potted fern
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I currently don't understand fingers.
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