had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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