I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
