I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So much Jack, so little girl.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
