Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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