she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
