I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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