I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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