I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
