fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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