So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
