that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
