how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
