her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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