why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
