how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
