Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I wish there were birth control emojis
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
The adults are the big ones right?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
