the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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