no, he came in my armpit
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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