Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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