Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
