I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
