My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
