I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
