The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
