my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
