he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
