Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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