I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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