There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
